


Keeping Faith

by MidgardianNerd



Category: Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Jedi Poe Dameron, Jedi are doomed, Luke Skywalker is a huge jerk, M/M, Not fallen Ben Solo, Pathfinder Ben Solo, Pre-Slash
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-24
Updated: 2019-10-24
Packaged: 2021-01-02 14:20:05
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,572
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21163040
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MidgardianNerd/pseuds/MidgardianNerd
Summary: Poe and his friends are attacked one night at the Jedi Enclave and everything changes.





	Keeping Faith

**Author's Note:**

  * For [idrilhadhafang](https://archiveofourown.org/users/idrilhadhafang/gifts).

> For Idril, my partner in crime. She hit the 1000th fic peak and so, she deserved a reward. Here it is. Hope you will like it.

The hut shook in a thud and Poe jolted, disoriented, his mind still foggy with sleep. The young Jedi felt the walls shaking a new time and finally, he heard screams and what he recognized as blaster shots. Poe jumped outside his bed and grabbed his lightsaber, BB-8 buzzing with confused beeps. Poe offered him a soft smile, trying to comfort his beloved droid but he could feel his own heart drumming against his ribcage. The Force was a mess around him, fighting constantly between Darkness and Light, screaming for Poe so much that the young Jedi felt his ears deafened. Poe swallowed nervously before snatching the curtain which separated him from the rest of his comrades. 

Chaos was displayed before his eyes. Fire was licking his skin, feeling like it was burning. The smoke was stinging his eyes and he felt his throat itchy, the fresh air he tried to breathe making it worse, hurting. Poe coughed before blinking few times, his eyes focusing back on what was happening. 

Poe grew up with tales about the war but never he would have been prepared to what was all around him. There were tens of white soldiers shooting their blasters on Poe’s friends who were already facing them, their lightsabers shining in blue and green lights. Poe felt fear clenching around his heart and BB was cuddling against his leg. The young Jedi sensed all the Force coming from his fellow padawans, their Light clashing against the Darkness surrounding the white troopers, looking like the old soldiers of the Empire. Poe couldn’t believe his eyes. The Empire and his ruins were supposed to have been eradicated. The New Republic was supposed to have bring order and peace back into the Galaxy. But there, front of Poe, the Empire and its ghost was reborn from its ashes, shooting on Luke Skywalker’s Jedi Order. Poe felt the fear and despair coming from his friends. Their master was there, fighting against this wave of violence and death like it was another day. It was probably for him. But for them, for the handful of young people who never knew the war, it was a nightmare that none of them could awaken from. 

Poe heard someone screaming in pain and even without looking, he could know that it was coming from one of his friends. These troopers were faceless shapes, they had no humanity. They would never cry out of pain. Poe took a deep breath, closed his eyes and let the Force flooding through his body. His mind was drowned by Darkness but through these black clouds, he could see them. Beams, thick beams of light; warm, welcoming, safe. Poe could recognize them, each one of them was wearing the particular aura of their owner. They were his friends and they needed him. Poe’s grip on his lightsaber tightened. When he opened his eyes again, the blue light of his weapon was enlightening his face, closing in a blank face, almost as much inexpressive as the masks he was facing. 

Poe lifted his saber and he screamed, running with BB-8 at his side, joining the outnumbered students of Luke Skywalker. Jedis weren’t only diplomats, they were also warriors. And for all of them, it was tonight their baptism by fire. 

* * *

Poe was deflecting a blaster shot with his saber when he felt an emptiness filling him, like something got suddenly tearing off from his mind. Poe’s breath got stuck in his throat and he felt the Force flickering around him, trying to find some balance. Suddenly, a wave of blows exploded through Poe’s skull and the young Jedi finally understood what was happening. Around him, the Force was keeping the count of the lives of each of them and it screamed every time one of them was disappearing. Poe realized that he could physically feel the death of his faceless enemies and suddenly, fighting back wasn’t anymore so easy. 

Poe felt nausea rising up in his larynx. How...what was he supposed to do? How...how Master Skywalker could felt this pain, this instability in the Force and yet still fighting, still taking lives? How...how Jedis could did that for millenaries and Poe felt unable to do the same? Poe felt like his whole life was rocking on its own foundations. If only...if only he had more time. To understand, to test the Force, to find his own balance. 

But the chaos was still flourishing around him. The death was wandering around his friends, around his beloved BB. Poe didn’t have time to think about it, to face his moral dilemma. For the moment, he needed to survive. 

* * *

Poe gritted his teeth when his saber took another blow. He could feel the Darkness surrounding the small island of Light that Poe and his comrades were. The young Jedi got some problems to see around him, the fire being too close, the smoke being too thick. But he didn’t need that to understand that their enemies were more than them and that soon, Luke would have to surrender. Poe knew that in this case, they will end executed. 

The vise was tightening around them and Poe felt BB-8 cuddling against his leg. Poe felt tears pricking into his eyes. He will die there. Without seeing his father one last time. Poe felt his heart aching into his chest. He wanted so much to say goodbye to him, to ask him forgiveness for abandoning him, for dying like his mother. 

Poe looked up at the dark sky, burning in fire. What would have been his life if he had chosen to be a pilot, like Shara? Poe took one last breath while the troopers were facing them in line, their blasters ready to put an end to so many young lives. Poe raised up in the chin front of the trooper facing him. He would die with pride, like his mother before him. 

* * *

A high whistling tore the silent night, followed by the sound of an explosion. Poe saw with wonder a bunch of white troopers flying from the floor to crash few meters further. A squadron of X-Wings flew through the dark sky, clearing the floor from enemy soldiers. Poe looked up with wonder two black freighters landing on the temple floor and the young Jedi felt his heart missing a beat when he saw shadows jumping out of the ships and the familiar Pathfinder caps appearing to the firelight. 

The realization hit Poe like Yavin’s sun on his face. The rescue was there. The Republic came to save them. Poe would see his father another day. The young Jedi felt the hope filling back the hearts of his comrades. With a new will, Poe turned back his saber on and ran to the meeting of their allies, ready to get back into battle. 

Poe ran towards the ships, BB-8 rolling behind him with an excited beep. The young Jedi focused on the Pathfinders, wanting to avoid the sight of the corpses on the floor. Not all of them were wearing white armors and Poe was terrified to see their faces. He didn’t want to know. He couldn’t know. Poe bent down to avoid a blaster shot, still running when he saw it. 

The green shot pierced through BB-8 and the little droid stopped instantly to roll, his beeping ceasing. Despite the hell around him, Poe heard only silence when he saw the little shell of his beloved friend lying motionless on the ground. 

“BB!” screamed Poe with despair, his throat hurting while he was running faster to join his droid. 

Poe sank on his knees, his hands shaking above BB’s shell, feeling the heat coming from the hole in it licking his skin. The young Jedi knew that tears were rolling down his cheeks. BB...his beloved BB...the last gift from his mother. It wasn’t possible. It couldn’t end like that. I wasn’t supposed to be like that. BB was supposed to stay with him until the end. There was no way for Poe to leave this island without him. Poe fastened his saber to his waist before carefully taking BB-8 in his arms, standing up. It wasn’t the end. Not for him. And for BB neither. 

Then, something exploded next to Poe and his world faded to black.

* * *

When Poe opened his eyes, darkness was surrounding him. Poe blinked few times, trying to look around him to see where he was. When he tried to move, the young Jedi felt his body being stuck completely, heavy weight on his legs. Poe moved slightly his fingers and when he touched stone, Poe understood that he was buried under ruins. Outside, he could hear muffled sounds of the battle still going on. Poe opened his mouth to scream, for someone to help him to get out of there. But the heavy smoke made him cough and at every breath, Poe felt the air around him becoming rarer. 

The young man felt panic lashing his heart. Nobody would hear him. He was going to die there after all. Already buried. Poe tried again to move but he stopped quickly when he felt the stones rolling tighter around him, paralyzing him a little bit more than before. Poe tried to calm down. He needed to think. He was a Jedi. He studied half of his life for this kind of situation. The Force would help him!

The Force! That was it! Poe was surrounded by Force-users, people who precisely could feel him and find him without even hearing him. Relief flooded through Poe’s body and the young man almost laugh to not have thought about it before. Master Skywalker would be so disappointed if he was able to see him right now. Relating on the Force. Always. It was the first lesson he taught them. 

Poe closed his eyes and let his mind wandering through the Force, trying to feel the closest Jedi to him. Poe could see the familiar golden wires which represented his friends and their shining lights. The young Jedi frowned when the Force lead him away from them. Then, he saw it! 

A thick silver wire, striped with dark lines. Poe got confused. The wire was vibrating strongly with the Force. But it felt so unfamiliar. The Force there was untamed, free. And cold. There wasn’t the familiar warmth coming from Force aura usually. It was like, the Force was struggling to blossom there, like it was barely able to exist. Poe felt afraid of it, he never witnessed something like that. But the Force didn’t stop to push him towards it and soon, Poe felt mesmerized by the energy coming from it. Something raw, furious, wild. Intoxicating. 

Poe felt his own Force presence almost freezing when he tried to touch it, the hostility coming from it numbing Poe’s power. Poe pushed harder and soon, his golden wire was winding around the silver one, their both lights entwining in a harsh glow. Poe felt the other presence trying to fight back, to push away Poe but he kept his ground and soon, he felt the silver presence calming slightly, more confused than afraid or hostile. The young Jedi focused on his situation and he hoped that whoever was at the other end of the bond could understand what Poe asked for them. 

Poe felt the Force vibrating in him like it never did before, making his body awakening in a thousand of shivers and Poe had to admit that the feeling was pleasurable. Poe was still bathing in this unexpected feeling when the stones above him were shaking, making dirt falling on his face. It took few seconds for Poe to understand that someone was moving the stones. It worked! Whoever it was, they got his message. 

“I’m here!” screamed Poe, coughing when dirt fell in his mouth. 

Poe heard them digging faster and soon, Poe was blinded due to the harsh light after so much time in the dark. He saw a shadow bending towards him but he couldn’t see their face. He only recognized the pathfinder cap. Hands were grabbing Poe’s shirt and lifting him towards the surface like he weighed nothing. Poe screamed when his legs got free and scratched by the sharp stones. 

When Poe was finally back at the surface, he coughed hard, trying to evacuate the dirt from his throat. He felt hands checking his body for any injury and Poe blinked, trying to adapt his eyes to the new luminosity. He felt someone whipping roughly the dirt from his face. 

“We’re good?” asked a deep voice. 

Poe looked up and he finally saw the face of his savior. The fire lights were licking a strong pale face, with sharp features. Behind the cap, Poe could see intense eyes looking at him and waiting for his answer. So Poe nodded. 

“Alright! You’re hurt to the leg. I’m gonna patch you and then, I take you out of this hell. Okay?” screamed the man above the chaos and Poe nodded again. “Great.” smiled the other man and Poe was stricken by this sight. He didn’t know if it was because the man was able to act like the nightmare around them was nothing. Or if it was because the man was very beautiful when he smiled. 

Poe saw the pathfinder taking out a gauze band from one of his pockets before snatching Poe’s trousers at his knee level. Then, his skilled hands were wrapping the cloth around Poe’s leg. 

“Done!” announced the man and he threw his blaster behind his back before standing up, sliding his arms around Poe’s chest to help him to stand. “Let’s get out of this hell!” grumbled the man, putting Poe’s arm on his shoulders to support him, his other hand taking back his blaster. 

“Wait!” screamed Poe, shifting clumsily on one foot. “I can’t leave without my droid.” said the young man and the other man looked at him like he was going crazy. “I won’t.” stated Poe, looking defiantly to the other man. “It’s...he is the last gift from my mum.” whined Poe, feeling tears burning his eyes. 

Deep brown eyes looked at him for long seconds then, the pathfinder sighed before making Poe sitting back on the ground. Then, without a word, the young man began to dig again through the ruins, searching for BB’s shell. Poe didn’t realize he was holding his breath until he saw the man lifting BB’s motionless form from the hole with a grunt, his hand buried into BB’s shell, his arm muscles tensing with the effort. 

The pathfinder seemed to check quickly the droid before deciding that it was time for them to leave. He helped Poe to stand again, a strong arm around the young Jedi’s waist. Then, he buried his other hand into BB’s shell before lifting it. Poe had to admire his strength when a blaster shot exploded next to them. 

“Time to go!” grumbled Poe’s savior and soon, he lead them through the battlefield, towards the ships which were their only hope to escape this hellish place. 

Both men were walking slowly due to Poe’s injury and from time to time, the other man carried Poe to pass above a dead body on the floor. Poe felt sick more than once when he recognized some faces. Around them, Poe could see other pathfinders leading young padawans towards the ships and white troopers retreating towards their own freighters. 

“Who are they?” whispered Poe, admitting that these Empire ghosts were real and not just the fruits of a nightmare. 

“First Order!” groaned his companion and Poe felt his body shaking with rage. 

First Order! It sounds like the name of an organization. And apparently, it wasn’t the first time they were appearing in the Galaxy. And yet, Poe never heard about them before. None of them, at the Academy, heard about them. There was a striking threat in the Galaxy, killing people and destroying villages and the Jedi Order, people who decided to dedicate their lives to fight against this kind of threats weren’t aware of their existence. It wasn’t possible. Poe wondered if Master Skywalker knew. There was no way their Master, the most powerful human being in the Galaxy, didn’t know. Poe felt nauseous another time. Master Skywalker knew and he told them nothing. He didn’t trust them. Any of them. They were still mere children for him. And by not telling them, he made them unprepared and put them in danger. A danger which came to life this night. 

Through the heavy smoke, Poe finally saw the interior of the freighter, already full of pathfinders and injured padawans, waiting for them to close the door and flee this nightmare. Poe could feel his savior slowing down due to the effort and Poe felt awful to not be able to do something in this situation. Though, the man looked like he knew what he was doing, more than Poe, and the young Jedi figured out that it would be better if he just followed his lead. Both men were at few meters from the ship when a white shadow jumped front of them, startling them and Poe felt the terror numbing his spine. 

The trooper was trying to raise his blaster but the Pathfinder was blocking him with a bloody hand which was carrying BB’s shell initially. His other arm was still around Poe’s waist and the young Jedi, still frozen with fear, barely felt his hand fumbling on his hip. Suddenly,Poe was dragged towards the Pathfinder, his body tackled against his. The young Jedi closed his eyes when he heard blaster shots being fired so close to their feet and he heard the familiar buzzing of a lightsaber. Then, the silence and Poe buried his face in the other man’s neck when he felt a body slumping against him. 

When he opened his eyes, Poe shivered to see the face of a trooper so close to him. And through the trooper’s chest, the blue lightsaber of Poe. The young Jedi felt awful to be relieved to see someone being killed front of him but that was what he was feeling. The trooper was dead and Poe was still alive. Thanks to the Pathfinder. This one turned off Poe’s saber before pushing the dead corpse from them with a grunt. 

“Not that bad for a weapon!” grumbled the Pathfinder before fastening back the saber to Poe’s waist. 

“That’s a lightsaber!” coughed Poe, recovering with difficulty from the shock of the attack. 

“Should I be impressed?” asked the other man, tightening his arm around Poe’s waist. 

Poe hissed in pain when the Pathfinder made him walking again to the freighter. The man carried Poe to walk into the freighter before putting him down on a bench. The freighter was packed with young padawans looking like dead man and pathfinders patching them or firing to troopers outside. 

“BEN!” shouted the pilot, a young blond girl, who looked furious and terrified at the same time. 

Poe looked at the door to see his savior, this Ben, running outside and disappearing for long seconds, everybody holding their breath. The young Jedi felt tears burning his eyes. There was already so much death and destruction around them, Poe lost so many of his friends tonight, maybe even all of them if he was going further than just a physical account. Poe didn’t want for this man, for Ben to die too. The man did nothing else that risking his life for him, for them. He deserved to leave this burning island, to live another day. Poe wouldn’t stand to be saved for this man to die. He would never trade a life for his own. 

Poe felt the adrenaline pumping into his veins, giving him a strength he lacked since the beginning of the attack. The young Jedi got on his feet, ready to run into this nightmare when a huge frame appeared back into the freighter. The Pathfinder was back and at the end of his right arm, BB’s shell. He let him fall to Poe’s feet, both men sharing a long look; Poe from incredulity, the other man with a softness, so weird in the middle of this chaos. Then, the Pathfinder left for the freighter’s door, his blaster aiming before him. 

Poe got on his knees, his hands checking BB. The little droid was holed through but Poe was able to breathe again when he realized that it could be fixed. The young Jedi collapsed against the cold metal of his most loyal friend, the tears rolling down his cheeks finally. 

“We did it, BB!” whispered Poe, his forehead against BB. 

The lack of answer hurt Poe and he closed his eyes, feeling tears wetting his cheeks. Now that he was finally safe, Poe felt all the weight of the night finally falling on him like a mountain of rocks. Poe breathed out, trying to not break down in sobs. The young Jedi sat on the bench, putting BB between his feet, needing to feel the comforting contact of his beloved friend. 

Poe could hear the blaster shots, from both sides. The freighter was shaking and Poe wondered why they weren’t still flying off of this nightmare. The young Jedi looked away from their temple, his home for the last years, burning. Poe finally looked around to see other padawans, his friends, looking haggard, lost, frightened children who got pushed into real life without warning. They were the same age than the Pathfinders who came to their rescue and yet, these ones were behaving like they did that everyday. Maybe they did. 

The young Jedi sighed, observing his friends trying to find comfort in each other. He was relieved to see them still alive, still breathing. In his head, Poe counted them, recognizing them. Hoping that the rest of them where in safety in the other freighter. That was when he spotted Sahaan front of him. Sahaan, the young luminous Twi’lek who were making them laugh so much with her jokes and contagious laugh. Poe almost didn’t recognize her without her smile, without this bright spark of life in her big dark eyes. Or without Rivo. Rivo, the young Togruta who was always to Sahaan’s side, both of them working together like a sole person. The quiet Rivo. Sahaan would have never left without him. 

Poe stood up before kneeling front of the young padawan, his hands taking softly Sahaan’s in his. The young man tried to catch her look but it was like looking into a dark sky without stars to brightening it. Poe felt a shiver rolling down his spine. And tears filling his eyes. Never he would have imagined Sahaan looking so...empty. 

“Sahaan!” whispered Poe, pressing the young woman’s hands in his.

The young Twi’lek was not answering and Poe was certain that she wasn’t even aware of his presence. Poe swallowed back his fear, focusing on his friend and how she needed him. 

“Sahaan!” called again Poe, taking softly her face in his hands so she would look at him. The young woman looked finally at him but barely recognized him. “Where is Rivo?” asked softly Poe and he saw finally Sahaan waking up from a sluggish state. 

“He is dead.” whispered back Sahaan, apathetic and Poe felt his heart freezing. 

“What?” breathed out Poe, stunned. 

“Rivo is dead.” replied back Sahaan, this time looking at Poe, seeing him, her voice cold, so cold, like the girl she used to be was dead with him, already far away from them, unable to be brought back again. Poe couldn’t hold back longer her glance. So dark, so cold, so hard. Unbearable. 

Poe stood up quickly and took few steps back away from her. He couldn’t believe her. She...she was just confused. With all the fire, the shots and trying to save her own life. She probably lost Rivo in the panic and the other man was still outside, looking for her. Poe needed to do something. He needed to find him. To find Rivo. To save him. So Sahaan would be saved too. He needed to put back a smile on her lips. He refused to lose them. He refused to let this First Order win. 

Poe felt anger filling his veins, an emotion than Jedis refused to acknowledge but at this right moment, Poe couldn’t care.This anger was driving him to act, to do something. Poe walked through the freighter, not afraid anymore of the blaster shots still being fired to them. The sound around him was dull and his sight were blackened except for the exit, for outside, where Rivo still was there, waiting for someone to save him. 

Poe pushed against the Pathfinders’ shoulders who were still shooting at their enemies. Then, he could smell again the air heavier with smoke and ashes. The young Jedi was ready to step outside, even if his heart was ready to explode with a mix of fear and adrenaline, when someone grabbed him and stepped back into the freighter, bringing back Poe to his initial place, front of Sahaan, or more accurately, the empty shell who wore Sahaan’s face. 

The young Jedi was fighting against his jailor, screaming to let him go. But the arms around him hold tighter and soon, Poe was unable to move anymore. 

“What the fuck are you doing?” screamed someone in his face. “Are you trying to get killed?” he added and Poe recognized the Pathfinder who saved him, Ben. The one who got back outside just for bringing back BB. Sure this man would understand that they couldn’t let Rivo alone in this nightmare. 

“One of my friends is still out there.” screamed back Poe.

“There is nobody anymore outside except for troopers.” groaned Ben and Poe shook his head. 

“Rivo is there. I know he is there.” answered Poe, desperate for this man to let him going outside and saving his friend. 

“Did you see him?” asked Ben, frowning. “Did you have seen him?” asked again Ben, stern, looking into Poe’s eyes. 

They hold each other’s glance for long seconds before Poe saw the other man’s eyes hardening. At this moment, Poe knew he lost. The Pathfinder hit on the wall behind Poe’s head, giving the signal to their pilot to fly away from this warzone. Poe grabbed the other man’s arm, obligating him to look down at him. 

“I will not leave without him.” groaned Poe, defying his opposant. 

“I will not risk my men’s lives just because a padawan has a feeling.” screamed back Ben and Poe sensed all the looks on them. 

Poe stepped in, ready to physically fight the taller man when someone took his hand. Poe jolted outside of his angry trance and looked down, right into Sahaan’s dark eyes, looking like before for a second. 

“He is dead Poe!” whispered faintly the young woman, her eyes filling finally with tears and Poe felt the last thin spark of hope he had to bring her back Rivo dying. He felt Sahaan’s fingers entwining with his and Poe pressed harder her hand, hanging on her as much as she was hanging on him. 

The young Jedi felt someone, Ben, softly resting his hands on Poe’s shoulders before leading him to sit next to Sahaan. Poe let him doing it, feeling suddenly too tired to act by himself. 

“I’m sorry for your loss.” whispered Ben, his hand resting for a long second on Poe’s and Sahaan’s embrace and when Poe looked up at him, he could see that he meant it. 

These few words, kind words in a night full of atrocities broke down Sahaan’s fogginess on her heart and she let herself crying on Poe’s shoulders and Poe cuddled closer to her, trying to comfort her as much as he could, even if it would never be enough to erase the pain from her heart. He heard Ben giving the signal again to their pilot to fly off and Poe felt the freighter finally leaving the ground. But his body was too dull with pain to find any relief from this. 

* * *

Poe jolted from sleep when he felt something being laid on him and Sahaan, sleeping on his shoulder. The young man blinked few times, trying to see through the darkness of the ship. Above them, Poe’s guardian angel was looking at them, offering to Poe a soft smile. The young Jedi felt this sight warming his heart. It was weird to see such a positive thing after a night like that. 

Poe nodded, unable to talk or even to offer back a smile. But the man didn’t look to take offense of it. On the contrary, his eyes were shining with compassion and Poe wanted to cry harder, wondering if one day he would be able to heal from this night, to find back a normal life. It seemed so impossible for him right now. 

He observed the other man taking a seat closer to the cockpit, softly sharing quiet words with his pilot, praising words and Poe felt so thankful to have been saved, even more by a kind man like him, caring for his team, for people under his protection. Suddenly, Poe felt awful to have defy his authority, to have put everybody in danger because he refused to believe what Sahaan told him. 

Poe wanted to ask forgiveness, to everybody sleeping around him, to the man who suffered Poe capricious mood tonight. But the words were stuck into his throat. Poe didn’t feel the strength to talk, he felt the strength of nothing to be honest. Except crying. Poe looked at the Pathfinder sat few seats away from him. The young man was wrapping his bloody forearm in a bandage, no trace of pain on his face, like he was used to it. Poe wondered for how many years he did that. How he could do that? Braving violence and death every day and waking up another day to do it again. Poe felt like he could never recover from this night. Poe wasn’t strong enough. He would never be strong enough. Not enough to be a Jedi. Not enough to be like this man. 

Ben took finally away his cap and Poe could see his face; strong and delicate at the same time. Carved into marble. Like heroes should always look like. The man passed a hand through his black hair and Poe could witness finally how exhausted he was, how he wasn’t so imperturbable to all he saw tonight. Poe felt strangely more in safety after having witnessed weakness from him. The man threw back his head against the wall behind him and closed his eyes, falling instantly asleep, sit uncomfortably in a cold freighter, probably having done that a hundred times before. Poe felt envious to see him able to sleep without being assaulted by what they just lived. Poe was unable to do that. So he observed the young man, to whom he owned his life now, sleeping under the dark greenish lights of their ship until they landed back in safety. 

* * *

Their arrival to the base stayed blurry in Poe’s mind. His friends and he were taken in charge by medical staff and Poe followed the lead, letting them checking his body for any injury, applying ointment on his legs and telling him to go back later for redoing his bandages. Poe nodded, his mind numb with shock and then he was left alone. Because he was one of the few ones who got lucky. Lucky to have survived without any serious physical damage. 

But Poe felt like something had been tear off his chest and thrown into the fire of this fight. Behind every one of these med bay curtains was one of his friends, fighting for their life. Some would succeed. Some would fail. And Poe? What was he supposed to do with this knowledge? Doing like life was going on? What was he supposed to do? And why the Force wasn’t answering to him? 

The Force was supposed to be there for them, to offer them guidance and comfort, like a mother would do. So why? Why the Force was staying silent when Poe was screaming for a sign from it? Poe felt so lost without it. He never felt so lost before. Even after his mother’s death. The Force has always been there to comfort him. Poe felt his heart racing in his chest. It wasn’t normal. The Force should be here. Why did the Force abandoned him? What Poe did wrong? 

Instinctively, Poe went looking for the only person who could understand and give him answer. His feet lead him in this base’s corridors, looking for Master Luke. Master Luke would know what to do. He must had. 

People were running in the corridor, barely seeing Poe and the young man shrank on himself, feeling like he was in a world he didn’t know anything about. Trying to flee this fuss, so different from his life in the Jedi Enclave, Poe got lost and was now alone in a cold corridor. The young Jedi knew that he was safe now. That Pathfinders came and saved them. But he recognized nothing around him and fear was filling his heart. 

Poe felt a pleasant warmth wrapping around him and it made him feeling so good that he stepped in the room. It was a collective shower room and suddenly, the opportunity to have a warm shower was too irresistible to Poe and the young man, tired, took off his dirty clothes before walking under the shower. 

The young Jedi whined when hot water hit his body. He didn’t realize until now how tense he was since troopers attacked them and how painful his shoulders and legs were. It was like the pain and warmth was putting Poe’s mind outside of the numbness he felt until now. His mind was assaulted with all these faces on the floor he didn’t want to recognize but now he could put a name on. His friends. People that Poe loved and didn’t succeed to protect. People that Poe grew up with and would never seen again. 

The young Jedi felt mud in his mouth and he coughed, trying to spit out the dirt, the same one which was the last home of his fallen friends. Poe felt like this mud was choking him and his throat was tightening with sobs and panic. He couldn’t...he couldn’t...it was like feeling their blood on his tongue and Poe wanted to throw up. His coughs were resonating in the empty bathroom and Poe’s breath was stuck, the lack of air making his head dizzy. 

Suddenly, a naked body was pressed behind him, arms wrapped around his chest and Poe fought against it, panicking, his mind screaming to defend himself against this enemy who wanted to take his life like he did with his friend. 

“I’m here.” whispered a voice in his ear. 

Poe’s body relaxed after some seconds. His mind recognized this voice, familiar even if Poe couldn’t put a name on it, and decided that it wasn’t a threat. The person behind him was rocking Poe against his body until the young man stopped to cough. Poe felt like he could breathe again and it was now sobs escaping his mouth, the young Jedi crying in the arms of this stranger. 

The man lead him back gently under the shower spray and passed his hands through Poe’s curls, scratching his skull with soap. Poe was looking at this dirt, this awful and tasteless dirt falling on the floor, along his body, to disappear in the syphon, like it never existed before. Poe let these hands handling him. He felt so tired. And someone was finally taking care of him. Poe didn’t have to think anymore. 

The other man slid front of Poe and he softly lift up Poe’s face towards the spray, helping with soft caresses the water to clean Poe’s face. The young Jedi moaned, shaken to feel something so sweet, so simple when he only witnessed chaos and death that night. Poe wondered if all of this was real or if he was unconscious in one this base’s corridor, letting the Force drifting him away from the real world. 

He felt fingers wiping off his face, thumb stroking along his cheekbone. The young man sobbed, feeling this caress resonating in his whole body. He opened his eyes, the water making his vision blurry. But he recognized a pale face and intense dark eyes looking at him with so much compassion that Poe cried harder. 

The other man wrapped his arms around Poe’s neck and dragged him against his body, forcing Poe to bury his nose in his neck. And Poe didn’t care he was against a stranger, as much naked as he was. He only wanted to feel him, to feel someone breathing, someone alive. Because only that could remind him that he survived. That he will see another tomorrow. 

His savior let Poe crying in his arms, hanging on his shoulders, his nails digging into his flesh. He let the other man crying, pouring out all his fear and pain. All his guilt. He let him cry until Poe felt asleep in his arms. 

* * *

When Poe woke up, he was in a small bedroom and it smelt weird. The young man blinked, trying to determine where he was before he spotted a familiar figure at his bedside. 

“Dad?” asked Poe, confused and Kes Dameron looked up, his tired eyes shining with relief.

“I’m here my boy!” whispered Kes, his fingers entwined with Poe’s and he bent to kiss his forehead. 

Poe felt tears burning his eyes. He didn’t realize until now how much he missed his father in the last years of his Jedi apprenticeship and hearing this pet name felt like he was back home. 

“Where are we?” asked Poe, his voice hoarse and Kes handed him a glass of water.

“At the Resistance base.” answered the old man and Poe frowned.

“The Resistance?” asked Poe, confused.

“I wanted to tell you before but Luke said that you would leave the Order to join us.” explained Kes and Poe felt anger filling his heart. 

He felt betrayed. Not by his father but by his Master. His Master who hid truth to Poe, who controlled Poe’s life like he knew better than him what was good for him. 

“Are you alright?” whispered Kes and Poe looked at him.

“What happened?” asked Poe, his voice shaking, his mind reminding this dreadful night. 

“The First Order attacked you.” sighed Kes, his hand pressing Poe’s and in this gesture, Poe could feel all the fear his father felt at the idea of losing him. 

“Who are they?” asked Poe, still weak but Kes could recognize Shara’s fierceness in the voice of their son. 

“The Empire legacy.” answered Kes. “They appeared four years ago. When the Republic decided to do nothing, Leia built this Resistance.” explained Kes and Poe saw how tired his father was, how he never wanted to live another war, how he never wanted for Poe to know another war.

“Did...did Master Skywalker know about them?” asked Poe, nervous. He already knew the answer but he needed to know. He needed to know if Luke could have prevented what happened and saved Poe’s friends. 

“Yes.” breathed out Kes and Poe looked away to hide his tears, his heart being mauled with betrayal and rage. 

Their master knew. And he said nothing. The same master who took pride to talk about the old Republic, how the old Jedi Order fought for the peace of the galaxy, fought for the lives of innocent. He filled their minds with notions of honor and sacrifice. And at the same time, he let these barbarians spreading death and destruction on innocent people. Poe never felt more disgusted in life. All he believed in for the last ten years were a lie. Just there to make of him an obedient sheep, brainwashing everybody with fake values. 

“Poe!” called Kes, pressing Poe’s hand and the young man was teared off his thoughts, terrified at the darkness he felt around his own heart. 

“How...how did you know?” stuttered Poe and Kes frowned. “How did you know we needed help?” asked Poe and Kes bit down his lips, obviously wondering if he should tell the truth to Poe. “Please Dad! I need to know.” he added, his voice trembling. 

“Someone felt your distress.” answered softly Kes. “Yours and your friends. He felt your fear.” 

“Who?” asked Poe and Kes shook his head, fearing he already said too much. “Who?” repeated Poe, his hand wrapping around his father’s wrist. 

“Ben.” whispered Kes and instantly, a strong face with sharp features appeared in Poe’s mind. 

“He...that’s the pathfinder who saved me.” mumbled Poe, releasing his father’s wrist. “How...how did he know?”

“He has the Force.” answered Kes. “Very powerful actually.”

“That’s impossible.” grumbled Poe. “Master Skywalker said to us that Force users can only be Jedi. Or Sith.” 

“And yet Ben is there.” smiled softly Kes and Poe could see the affection his father had for this man.

“I...I didn’t know.” muttered Poe, looking down at his hands on his lips, feeling all the doubts he had all these years about if he really made a good choice by following the Jedi way instead of becoming a pilot, like his mother before him. 

“That you had the choice?” grumbled Kes, taking Poe’s hands in his. “Yeah. Luke preferred for you to not know.” he added bitterly and Poe was surprised.

It was the first time that his father expressed his resentment. He never thought that his father couldn’t be happy with Poe’s choice. But maybe until now he was relieved that Poe was in safety at the Jedi Order. Except that this night proved him wrong. Poe wasn’t anymore safe at Luke Skywalker’s side. Kes was the only one able to protect his son. Him. And Ben Solo apparently. 

“I...I don’t know what to do Dad!” sobbed suddenly Poe and Kes sat on his bedside. 

“You have all the time you need Poe!” whispered Kes in Poe’s ear, taking his son in his arms, rocking him against his body. 

He let his son crying. Poe was back at his side. And Kes would never let him go again. Even if Luke Skywalker wanted it.

* * *

Poe felt something pushing his sleeping body to wake up. The young Jedi tried to fight against it but this presence let him no choice and the young man had to open his eyes. He was still a little bit lost, having some struggles to still realize where he was, that his life at the Enclave was over. 

Poe blinked before he could recognize the figure of his Master standing at the feet of his bed. Poe felt his heart tightening with pain when he realized that he wasn’t different. No! He was the same old Master that Poe knew. The same one who lied to Poe and all of them for the last four years. Poe felt disgust filling his mouth and his heart drumming with anger. 

His master spotted the change in Poe’s behavior and Poe saw him straightening his back and crossing his arms behind his back, like he used to do when he was ready to scold one of his students. Usually, Poe lowered his head and accepted the reprimand. Master Luke was always right. None of them ever doubted they deserved it. But today, Poe was seeing things in a different way. 

“What do you want?” grumbled Poe and he saw Skywalker’s eyes hardening, obviously not liking Poe’s rudeness. 

“I just wanted to make sure you were alright.” answered Luke and Poe hated how calm he sounded. 

“How does it feel?” asked Poe, feeling this same darkness wrapping around his heart and he knew that Master Skywalker could feel it too. 

“Poe!” called Luke, his voice stern and Poe wanted to scream. “Don’t let the Darkness taking over you.” he added, like he still had the right to give lessons to Poe. 

“Don’t tell me what to do!” growled Poe. “You don’t have anymore rights on me.” he added, his body trembling with anger. 

“Don’t talk to me like that Padawan!” exclaimed Luke.

“I’m not your padawan.” spat out the young man and he saw the old man’s knuckles becoming white around the bed frame.

“You’re obviously still under shock.” dismissed Luke and Poe was furious.

The man was daring to deny Poe’s feelings, Poe’s anger. Like he was a spoiled child and Luke did nothing wrong. Like his behavior didn’t put Poe’s life and his friends’ lives in danger. 

“Tell you that if it helps you to feel better.” groaned Poe, his eyes throwing thunderbolts at this man he used to admire. 

“You’re a child Poe! You know nothing about the real life.” answered Luke, his eyes cold and Poe didn’t recognize him anymore. 

He wondered how he could have been fooled all these years. He has been so wrong. He put his life and fate in this man’s hands. When he should just have trusted his own family. Luke came after his mother’s death and promised him peace and an aim. Being a protector. Saving people. Being like his mother. A hero. 

And in all his grief, Poe forgot the most important. He didn’t need to be a hero. He didn’t need to be loved and admired by people he didn’t know. He didn’t need that. He needed to be a son. His mother’s son. And Kes Dameron’s son. The only thing he needed then was his father. Now Poe was realizing how wrong he has been to follow Luke Skywalker when everything he needed was at home. 

“Now I do.” whispered painfully Poe and he turned his back at Luke Skywalker. 

He heard his ex-master leaving the room and only then, Poe let his tears rolling down his cheeks. 

* * *

“Charming.” snorted a deep voice, less than a minute after Luke left and Poe turned around, surprised and anxious to not have heard someone coming, especially when he was that vulnerable. 

Poe felt his heart beating slower when he recognized who was the new intruder. A stranger and yet, his presence comforted Poe. The young man turned towards him and the other man smiled softly, realizing that Poe was welcoming his intrusion and he entered fully the room now. 

There was an excited beep and Poe’s whole face lighted up when he saw his beloved BB rolling in the room to join him. The droid looked at Ben once he was next to Poe’s bed and the young pathfinder chuckled before walking towards him and carrying him to put him on Poe’s bed. 

The droid forgot the taller man once he was back at his master’s side and Poe felt his heart exploding with joy to find back his beloved droid. Poe’s hands were already travelling on BB’s body, checking where there was an hole few days ago. But there, BB was like nothing happened, feeling barely the metal being fixed under his fingers. 

BB was buzzing with excitement and news and Poe tried to follow what he was saying. Ben, the pathfinder, was standing quietly on Poe’s bedside, watching them interacting with an amused smile. Ben made him a sign to focus back on BB and Poe couldn’t help chuckling, wondering how this man knew that BB could be really touchy. 

He had his answer when BB explained to him that Ben fixed him while Poe was sleeping at the med bay and Poe felt his chest filling with warmth. He would have thought that the idea of someone else touching BB, someone else than his mother or he, would have made him sick but surprisingly, he was only touched to know that this man, after everything he already did for Poe, for someone he didn’t know, took the time to fix his beloved BB. 

“Thank you.” whispered shyly Poe once that BB was done. 

“I know that orange isn’t a nice color but that’s the only pain I had to hide the repairs.” answered Ben with a wince and Poe shook his head.

“Don’t.” mumbled Poe. “I love it.” he added, his fingers stroking against the new paint of his droid, reminding him the pilot suit of her mother. 

Poe felt tears back in his eyes and he was saved by BB claiming that he loved it too, making both men chuckling. Then, they stayed silent even if Poe wanted to thank him for everything. 

“I’m sorry.” said suddenly Ben and Poe frowned. “About my uncle behavior. He didn’t really changed since the last time I saw him.” sighed the young man, asking to Poe if he could take the seat next to him. 

“Luke is your uncle?” asked Poe, nodding to give him the authorization. 

“Unfortunately, yes.” grumbled the young man and Poe felt relieved that he didn’t have to hide his anger against Luke. Not with him. “Ben Solo.” smiled softly the young pathfinder, tending his hand towards Poe.

“Poe Dameron.” answered Poe and Ben winked. 

“I know.” chuckled the young man. “Well, I didn’t know when I saved you. But...I know your father and I realized who you were once you were safe.” he added. 

“How did you know him?” asked Poe, feeling better now that they weren’t talking anymore about Luke Skywalker or this horrible night. 

“I’m a pathfinder.” answered Ben, amused. “Your father is kinda my mentor.” he added and Poe felt close to this man, hearing the admiration and pride in his voice while talking about Kes Dameron. 

“Yeah. He is good.” whispered Poe.

Thinking about his father was comforting but Poe also couldn’t help feeling bitter. It reminded him all these years he wasted at Luke’s side when he should have stayed with his father. When he should have followed his mother’s steps. He tried so hard to be someone he wasn’t and now, he wasn’t sure to be able to be someone else than who he became. Poe bit down his lips, trying to not cry. This man already did enough for Poe. 

“You can cry Poe!” whispered Ben and softly took Poe’s hand in his. 

This simple gesture was enough to break him and Poe sobbed uncontrollably. He felt Ben’s fingers sliding in his curls before slowly stroking Poe’s head. 

“I don’t know anymore.” gasped Poe. “I don’t know what...what I should be...feel.” cried the young man and he felt Ben’s hand cradling the back of his neck. 

He waited patiently for Poe to calm down. It was long and ugly but Ben didn’t say anything. When Poe was finally quieter, he was ashamed and refused to look at the other man. He felt Ben pressing his neck and then, he looked at him. There was no pity or judgment in these dark eyes. Just, acceptance. 

“Feel what you feel.” whispered Ben, his voice deep and slow and Poe was almost captivated. “Your anger. Your fear. You have the right to feel that.” he added, his thumb stroking under Poe’s ear and the young man leaned his head in the crook of his palm. 

Poe listened to him, wondering if this young man could be the widest person he heard in years. But maybe he was. He lived daily with this war and its horror. Luke thought he knew the real world. But why would he know more about it than Poe? Why would he know more when he spent the last 15 years of his life as much isolated in the Enclave as been Poe? Luke didn’t know anymore the real world. But Ben did. 

“You will never forget it. This night.” whispered Ben and Poe closed his eyes because that was exactly what he was fearing. “The people you lost. You will feel their lost in your heart every day of your life.” sighed Ben and Poe could hear the man’s own losts he had to live with, in his voice.

Weirdly, it comforted Poe. This man front of him, this man knew what Poe was feeling. Because he felt it too. And he succeeded to survive. If Ben did it, so maybe Poe had a chance. 

“It will get better.” smiled sadly Ben. “Not in a day. Neither in a month. And probably not in a year. But you will get better.” added Ben. “I promise.” he whispered, his thumb brushing a curl which fell on Poe’s forehead. 

“I will not do it.” sobbed Poe and Ben framed his head with one of his big hands.

“You didn’t die there Poe. You survived.” answerd the young man and Poe looked at him, his eyes full of tears.

“I don’t feel like that.” confessed Poe.

“I know.” nodded Ben, wiping a tear off Poe’s cheek with his thumb. “You don’t have to.” he added. “Not for the moment.” whispered the young pathfinder. 

And Poe believed him. 

* * *

All the Resistance was standing behind the small group of Luke’s padawans. Poe didn’t want to think how barely more than half of them survived and were now standing before the corpses of their friends, offering them a funeral, a last goodbye. For heroes in Leia Organa’s words. But what was heroic in dying? Especially like that? None of them fought for the greater good. They just tried to survive. And failed. 

But now, Luke was at the head of their little group, showing them off like his greater work and pride. Like they owned him something. Like the galaxy was already owning them something. When they did nothing else than being kids, afraid of dying. Poe couldn’t stand to be there. To say nothing. 

But he could feel his father’s presence behind him, Sahaan cuddling in his right flank. And in the background, Ben and the pathfinders who came to save them, wearing their dark green uniforms, honouring these people they couldn’t save one last time. Knowing that at least these men and women were accompanying them into death. Them knew their sacrifice and the real tragedy that was their deaths. They weren’t a symbol than Luke Skywalker and Leia Organa could use as propaganda. These soldiers knew that these padawans, these people shouldn’t have died. 

Poe held his breath when he saw the Pathfinders walking to the pyres, torches in their hands. Poe felt like his comrades and he should be the ones lighting up the pyres but none of them had the force to do it. Poe’s eyes crossed Ben when the young pathfinder leader came back standing behind them. He softly nodded and Poe nodded back, hoping that the young man could understand how grateful Poe was for all the support he offered him in these last days. 

After the pathfinders were back at their stand, everybody kept silent for five minutes before General Organa gave the signal. They all began to move. Poe wanted to scream for them to stay but he began to understand what their way of life involved. And crying for the dead required too much time. Time they hadn’t. 

Sahaan dragged him towards Luke who were regrouping his last students further. Poe didn’t want. He didn’t want to listen to him anymore. But he had to. One last time. Luke looked at them with a proud paternal smile and Poe bit down his lips. He wanted for his friends to see how Luke played a part in the nightmare they lived. But he could see in their eyes how the man was still this heroic figure, their hope. And Poe couldn’t be the one crushing down their hopes and dreams. 

“I know that these last days have been hard, my padawans!” smiled softly Luke. “I’m proud of you. You behaved like real Jedis.” he added and Poe snorted. Only Sahaan heard him. “We will rebuild.” claimed Luke and the young man could see all his friends smiling with relief. That was all they wanted. But not Poe. Not anymore.

“I’m not going back.” answered Poe, his arms crossed on his chest. 

He saw all his friends looking at him. Some of them surprised. Some of them betrayed. None could be understand how Poe could give up the Jedi Order. He felt Sahaan’s restlessness and he promised to himself to talk to her later. She deserved to know his reasons. But not now. Now, he was holding Luke’s dark glance. And he wouldn’t look down. 

“You will regret it.” said Luke and Poe raised up his chin.

“Maybe.” answered Poe, calm now that he took his decision. “Probably not.” he added before turning around and not looking back. 

* * *

Poe came at Ben’s side, the man still standing before the pyres, his back straight and arms crossed behind it, his eyes never leaving the fires. The man looked imperturbable but Poe spotted the small smile on his lips and Poe couldn’t hold back his smile, sighing with relief. 

“Pilot?” asked nonchalantly Ben, not looking yet at Poe.

“Pilot.” nodded Poe, feeling warmth spreading in his chest. 

Ben looked down at him and Poe saw the spark in his eyes, shining with a promise. And Poe believed him. 

**Author's Note:**

> My Tumblr: @midgardiannerd  
Our Tumblr: @knightsofdamnren


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